Change

A lot of things change when you have a child. Opinions on issues you thought you knew about, how tidy your house usually is, and unfortunately – friendships.

The biggest change? Ourselves. When you have children you change. You never think you will, you try your damned best to stay the person you were, but you change anyway. And to be honest, why wouldn’t you? We go from who we think we are to someone so much stronger and braver than we imagined.

We develop a strength that comes from lack of sleep and a huge shock to the system that comes with the presence of a child in your life. We evolve from carefree cub to fierce lioness. It’s part of the parcel. No one goes through the trial of childbirth and comes out weaker; we come out strong and feeling invincible that we survived such an experience. We come through and even though some of us descend into depression, or feel overwhelmed and daunted by the biggest responsibility we shall ever have, we are still stronger than any previous moment in our lives.

As this change happens, we find a voice we didn’t know we have. One that speaks for the baby who can’t speak for itself. One that stands up for ourselves, especially where previously we didn’t speak for ourselves. But we change.

I have made new friends since being a mum. Drawn together by the same experiences with pregnancy and childbirth and then raising children, we all meet new people and friends we had before children drift away sometimes. It’s natural when our paths in life divide – some of us have children and others don’t so the things you had in common before children (BC) fall by the wayside. You can’t go out at the drop of a hat, you can’t just go and be a person; not without consideration for the kids. You truly discover your real friends when you become a mother and I am proud of the fact I have two women in my life who I can honestly say I wouldn’t be without. They know who they are so I won’t name them, but without them I would be a bit lost! There have been some very dark days since being a mum but it is these women who have never left me to sink. That right there, that is friendship.

One thing that has changed about me personally is that I refuse to be walked over. Not by anyone, anymore. I’m a loyal person even when my judgement tells me not to be, I go against it and rather see the best of someone than give up. My husband says this is my most frustratingly wonderful quality haha. I’ve recently parted ways with who I thought was a very close friend and for the life of me I still don’t truly understand why. The gist of it seems to be that I had other friends. Absurd and baffling, I refuse to wallow in any sadness. While I can’t understand how others process, I can forgive shitty behaviour and move on from that experience, purely because life is just too fucking short to worry about someone else if they haven’t the time of day for me. I am a grown woman, not a child in the playground.

We are 7 months into 2015 and I have worked so hard to transform myself personally and mentally. I started this year in a fog of exhaustion and tears and frustration, fat and sorry for myself. The better I did, the less I saw or heard from my friend. But that’s okay you know, it’s okay. I’m a stronger person for it. I’m better as a person, knowing who my real friends are and that’s why 2015 is turning out so well.

Madeleine is going to be one next month, and Sophie is going to be three. We are giving Madeleine an amazing christening day followed by a birthday party for both girls, and our closest friends and family are coming. It’s going to be a fantastic party and I cannot wait to see the excitement on my daughters’ faces when all the people who love them are in the same place. This is what counts. The happiness of my children, my husband and myself and how we can give that back to those who love us, is what matters.

And no one will stand in the way of that

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Big Decisions!

I am the first person to admit I absolutely hate the phrase ‘New Year, New Start’. It basically says that you could have changed from being a total dick any time, but you’re waiting to do so.

DAMN RIGHT
DAMN RIGHT

However, I hold up my 24 year old hands and say that I have made decisions (with the Husband, of course) about our future from now. Here. YES, 2013! I have waited until now to want to make a difference to my life purely because my new job started this week. And because of the new job, we can actually see that teeny little light at the end of the very dark tunnel that has been our life.

The new job means:

  • Moving out of a mouldy flat into a house 
  • Buying a new car
  • Saving for a holiday/pension/new pair of shoes!

We also made a very tough decision. Originally, my mum didn’t believe me when I said this, but it’s true! It’s a HUGE decision for us…

We are no longer trying for another baby. I know, I know, it’s fecking awful isn’t it? The original plan was to just see what happens. Which loosely translated means not using anything in the hopes of an oopsie. However,  my NYR was to make smart decisions. And it is a very smart decision to sort out life first and enjoy

Safety First...
Safety First…

Sophie for a while so we will be waiting until the end of 2013 to have a squishy newborn. That’s ok though – so many of my mummy friends are popping them out this year I can just squish over their babies instead!

 

Anyway, the metaphorical ball is in my court and this year will be a hell of a lot better. No more struggling, no more wishing. Time to make the wishing happen! Except the lottery. That will forever be a wish…

School-vs.-Life

2013

fireworks-burst-haven-2011-001I can officially say I have survived 2012. Here are some of the things that happened this year:

  • Moved out of a one bed flat into a two bed flat
  • Moved from the countryside to the seafront
  • Got married to Husband in April
  • Celebrated turning 24
  • Gave birth to Sophie in August
  • Started uni in September
  • Survived another prophesised (sp?) Apocalypse

It has been one heck of a year. I didn’t see Chicago like I wanted to and I didn’t go on holiday like I wanted to and I didn’t pay off debt like I wanted to. However, that is why we have 2013!

Here are my NYR (New Years Resolutions, Mum!)

Pay off my debts & become debt free

Buy myself an automatic car for my birthday (this is on the proviso that NYR1 is complete)

Get a family portrait done with my Chubbers & Hubbers

Move house – not necessarily to buy but a house nonetheless

Start and be successful at my new job as a freelance recruiter

Begin the 30 Day Shred again – we did start but all got struck with NoroSucky

Throw the most ridiculous Christening party for Chubbers

My NYR aren’t actually that hard to achieve, I don’t think! They all tie in together – by doing well at my job, I can pay my debts and therefore buy a car and move house and throw a big party. They are all very selfish resolutions, not very good for the world or humanity but you know what? I’m sick and tired of waiting for life to happen. I am a completely different person to the one I was 2 years ago, thankfully, because I was a horrible person then. I had no care for myself and was on self destruct for a long time.

Now it’s different. Now I don’t only have me to think of. I have my little chubbers, Sophie, who lights up my life on a daily basis and makes me feel like I was born to be her Mummy. I also have Husband, who balances out my wacky ways with his own and ensures I stay my new self and not the disgrace I used to be.

True...
True…

I have other things I would like to do but they are more mini goals than resolutions. I am different now – for example, I am a regular Church goer and actually enjoy it. And pray. I actually pray for those in my life, for forgiveness for my own bad choices. For guidance. For hope. For health.

I want 2013 to be a better, healthier, guided year. I don’t want to be who I was. Karma has bitch slapped me more than enough times now and I am ready to accept who I can be and not who I settle to be.

This year, I am going to put in what I want to get back. I’m not going to make any stupid choices. I’m not going to allow myself to spend before I think (well, I’ll try!) and I am going to be the best mother, wife and friend I can be.

I have a lot of people to thank for getting me through a lot this year, one of my closest friends Lauren who has always been there as an ear and a guiding star is one of them and she is FINALLY expecting her own 2013 miracle baby. Amy, who has got me through pregnancy and birth and all the scary ghosty experiences ever haha! My mum, of course, who I thank every day for being there for me. And all my TOBCers, who laugh and cry and fight but wouldn’t change it.

2013 I will kick your arse. And you will enjoy it.

See you next year, folks! Happy New Year!