What To Expect When You’re Expecting…The Dark Side

This post is dedicated to a very good (and halfway pregnant, squee!) friend of mine.

 

During pregnancy women get asked all manner of weird and wonderful things. So I’m going to list the top things said to pregnant 01women:

1. Oh WOW – you’re BIG!!!! 

Good Response:

Thank you, I’m doing well for 9 months pregnant!

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m fat? Cos most of this is baby and water.

Ugly Response:

So are you.

2. 8 months? Really? You’re not showing that much, you CAN’T be that far? (Actually said to me!)

Good Response:

Oh thanks, this will make it easier to snap back!

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m faking it? *shoves scan pictures at them!*

Ugly Response:

I had sex 8 months ago. You didn’t.

3. I heard labour isn’t all that painful. (Worse if being said by a man…)images (4)

Good Response:

Good news! I should breeze this then

Bad Response:

Are you saying I couldn’t take the pain?

Ugly Response:

You don’t have to do this, shut the fuck up.

4. Oh I noticed you’d gained a belly, I just thought it was you eating too much

Good Response:

Haha, no, I have a baby in there!

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

Ugly Response:

I noticed that about you too.

5. Should you really be eating that? (Anything that isn’t organic/healthy/green)090312-iv-angry-pregnant-woman

Good Response:

Cravings do funny things to a person

Bad Response:

Yes actually I should. Because I’m hungry. AND I NEED IT.

Ugly Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME GREEDY?!

6. You look just about ready to pop! (said at any time after 6 months)do_not_touch_my_belly_sticker-p217667666017580920en8ct_400

Good Response:

Oh really? I have a way to go yet!

Bad Response:

SO I’M FAT AM I????

Ugly Response:

I am about ready to pop. You. In the face. With a chair.

7. Did you mean to get pregnant, I mean, is this an accident or planned? (100% said to me!)

Good Response:

Thanks for asking me… Of course, this baby was planned out. It wouldn’t matter either way though because we’re so thrilled

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m a slut??

Ugly Response:

I meant to get pregnant. Did your mother mean to swallow you?

8. God! PREGNANCY HORMONES MUCH??

Good Response:

Excuse me, I apologise, hormones are everywhere now

Bad Response:

YOU CALLED ME FAT!

Ugly Response:

No! Not hormones! YOU. ALWAYS YOU!

9. I think you’re carrying a girl, they say girls steal your beautyannoying-things-to-say

Good Response:

Well, good thing I’m not sure what I’m carrying then

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME UGLY?

Ugly Response:

That explains your mother then.

10. You are planning to breastfeed aren’t you?

Good Response:

We’re not sure yet, we’ll decide when the time comes

Bad Response:

Why are you pressuring me?

Ugly Response:

Thanks for the interest in my tits. How about you worry about what you/your wife is doing with theirs and keep your nose out of mine?

11. Oh MY GOD I can’t believe you chose NOT to breastfeed! Don’t you know what you are doing? YOU’RE POISONING YOUR CHILD!

Good Response:

Thank you for your concern, but formula is the way to go for me and my baby

Bad Response:

What concern is it of yours, bitch?

Ugly Response:

Since when did my boobs become your personal worry? Fuck off.

12. Are you planning on pain relief? Cos you really shouldn’t drug your babycartoon28

Good Response:

Um, we haven’t really decided. We’ll worry about it when the time comes.

Bad Response:

Oh I see you have no children? Mm. Thanks for the labour advice.

Ugly Response:

The baby isn’t even here yet and you’re going to judge my decisions and call me a bad parent? Fuck you.

13. So, have you had your cervix checked yet?

Good Response:

That’s really not your concern.

Bad Response:

WHY WOULD YOU ASK SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION? (while sobbing)

Ugly Response:

How is your vagina looking these days?

14. Of course your mother should be in the room while you give birth, she is your mother. You can’t do this without her.

Good Response:

Thanks for your input.

Bad Response:

Oh should she now? I think my partner/husband/boyfriend/person who made baby is probably the person I can’t do this without thanks

Ugly Response:

That’s funny, she didn’t need to be there when I was making this baby. Why does she need to be there now?

15. Wow…you STILL look pregnant. How many weeks post baby are you now? think-im-crabby-bg2

Good Response:

I’m enjoying my baby at the moment, the weight will go in time.

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT??

Ugly Response:

You look pregnant too. You don’t even have kids.

 

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Cluck…Cluck…Cluck..!

I. AM. BROODY

There. I said it out loud and properly. I want squidgy newborns to kiss, smell and cuddle. Sophie is beautiful and lovely but she is now out of the newborn prawn stage. You know what I mean – where when you pick them up they still stay all folded up and curled? Where they are too little for their own skin and their clothes drown them cos they are so small? Yeah I want that again.

It doesn’t help me that so many of my friends are at various stages of pregnancy. Some are just beginning and others are finding out the sex. Some are about ready to pop. And luckily for me, I can squidge over their babies for now until Autumn when I can try again for my own. My whole body is yearning, literally yearning, to get pregnant. I really do miss the excitement of scans, cravings, bumping out. Even LABOUR! I want to do it again! I want that relief when it’s done and the yucky covered baby is put on you all small and wiggly. I want Sophie to have a brother next (or sister, as long as it’s a baby I couldn’t care less!)

Remember my earlier blog about making smart decisions? Well, yesterday I was at a point I almost told Husband it was a smart decision to have a baby now – after all, I’d be pregnant for 9 months…and by the time the baby is here we’d have sorted what we need to sort… *dreams*…

NO! Bad bad thoughts. I must be good. It’s better to sort out life first

 

I just don’t have to like it…Come on…who can resist this face???

 

Please, Mummy? Can I have a sibling?
Please, Mummy? Can I have a sibling?