This may come as a little bit of a shock to you. I did start this as a Facebook status but it got too long and I figured that people would get bored reading this.
I’m finally getting my bearings with being a mother of two kids and while I still think you are utterly insane for doing this five times, I finally really appreciate how amazing you are.
I’m sorry for all the crap I may have given you since…well, birth lol. I’m sorry for any time I’ve made you cry, scream or punish me for being a little shit. I’m sorry for sometimes being selfish and moody and downright mean. I’m sorry for any time I’ve made you shake your head in disappointment.
I now understand. I get it. I get why you would tell me off and I get why you would cry when I was naughty. I get that my behaviour and my choices had (and I suppose still have) you worried or excited or a huge range of what-the-fuck-is-she-doing emotions. I now understand you had limits. I now understand that I frustrated the fuck out of you sometimes. I love you.
I’m grateful for everything you’ve ever done for me and still continue to do. I’m grateful for the hour long conversations that drive him indoors mad when I run up the phone bill. I’m grateful for being able to talk your ear off on the phone. I’m grateful that you’ve listened so much to me crying my eyes out as I try to get to grips with being a mum myself. I’m grateful for all the advice you’ve given me about Sophie and Madeleine and being married and everything in between. You’re the voice inside my head and you’re the first person I think to run to with news.
You’ve supported me and laughed with me (so hard that sometimes I could pee, weak pelvic floor lol) and been my absolute rock.
I know you worry about me and I know I sometimes infuriate you. I know that you worry so much about how we are doing in our lives and I know that won’t ever change. You know why? Because there is no way in hell I would be the mother, no, woman I am today without you there guiding me through things. Whenever I’ve made a bad turn or wrong decision I don’t ever want you to feel that is a reflection on you or how you raised me.
You taught me right and you taught me wrong and sometimes I dip my toes in ‘wrong’. I am still learning and I am so glad you are there with me to smack me upside my head (metaphorically now I’m hundreds of miles away haha) when things go wrong.
I cannot fathom how you let me go ahead and grow up. I look at my daughters and absolutely burst with pride because of how they’re growing up. I still cannot imagine letting them experience life – I want to shield them from everything in the world.
I’m not afraid anymore. I have cried for three months feeling overwhelmed, sometimes so exhausted I hallucinate. And every time I’ve phoned you to cry you’ve calmly explained that I’m not doing anything wrong, and yet never once told me to suck it up and deal with it.
You’ve always accepted how I’m feeling and supported me through it all and never tried to tell me how I was feeling was wrong. You know better than anyone (other than him) how scared I’ve been, trying to handle two and when Madeleine had her accident and dealing with barely having time to be human let alone time for myself.
You’ve listened to my plans in life, some of which are definitely fantasy haha!, and never once told me that I should do less than go for it.
So I’m thanking you. Publically and loudly and shouting it from the rooftops of the Internet. Thank you. For teaching me, for loving me and for laughing at me every time I get a fright. Thank you for guiding me through motherhood so far. You can guarantee you’ll be on the end of the phone again very soon lol.
I love you
X X X