Once Upon A Time…

*****Any correlation between my fiction tale here and real life is purely coincidental*****

Now, boys and girls, I think it’s time for a story so get yourselves comfy and cosy (by this, I mean grab a cup of tea and put your feet up). This story will make you laugh and make you gasp (I hope)… Enjoy!

The Prince & the Witch

Once upon a time, there was a noble Prince who lived in a very large city. To be able to take his throne, he needed to find a Princess to be by his side. So, the Prince let the city know he was looking for a fair maiden to be his Princess. Many maidens lined up but no one was suitable; city maidens were just not good enough for the Prince. 

A young lady came to the city from the countryside, upon hearing the Prince’s tale and made herself known to him. The Prince was stunned by her fairness, but whispers within his court made him wary at first. The fair lady had a reputation for breaking hearts among the men in the city and spinning tall stories of her own, which is not the sort of Princess the Prince had hoped to attract. Rumours were abound that this young maiden was a witch, a witch who was cunning and sly and had cast a spell on our hero.

However, our Prince is a romantic, and refused to believe the whisperers and began to court the fair lady. Oh, how they danced! They became close and the sweet things she whispered to him soothed the rumours of the court and the Prince banished anyone who dared besmirch the young maiden’s name, which unfortunately included members of the Prince’s inner staff.

As you know, reader, the young maiden had left a string of broken hearts in her wake, due mainly to the looseness of her legs and the whip of words from her tongue. A trail of fire blazed behind her, burning countless lovers and the souls of those who once loved her. Was she a witch? The Prince certainly did not think so and he fell in love. He imagined this fair maiden to be his Princess and he planned a future as such. His maiden was a siren in his ear, telling him tales of that those he loved were not to be trusted, that his old friends were not who they seemed. The glasses of which were tinted with rose made the Prince believe such wickedness and he banished his friends who called him ‘fool’.

What our Prince did not know, is that behind his back, the supposedly fair maiden was still entwined with a lover, a jester of the countryside from whence she came. He was her real lover, the source of the flame burning inside her heart, but they had had a disagreement, and she knew that the only person who would bring swathes of jealousy upon him would be someone such as the Prince. She knowingly courted the Prince’s heart, purely to attract the envy in the heart of the jester, all the while spinning sweet tales to the Prince of the roughness of the jester, leading him to believe he was a troll, a bully.

Without the knowledge of the Prince, the fair maiden and the jester continued their affair and had decided to bring a child into the world. Whispers were still buzzing around the court like angry bees, telling of the witch who would break the Prince’s heart with her prostitute ways. No one dared speak out, lest the Prince cut out their tongue and so the Prince had no knowledge of her underhanded betrayals and continued to shower his young lady with gifts and as much as love as he could. He knew she was a volatile creature, one with no stable mood, however he believed this was due to her country upbringing compared to his Royal life and did his best to tame her.

Alas, it was not to be. With no warning, our Prince was cast aside. The maiden chose her jester over the Prince and went back to the countryside to be with him. She became pregnant with the child of the jester, a conception achieved betraying the Prince. The Prince was devastated, heartbroken. He had not believed the lies and wickedness. He refused to think of the fair maiden as the harlot and witch that she was. When he thought she had done, stomping on his heart and soiling his good name to the jester, there was more. He discovered she had spun webs of corrupt lies about his oldest friends, had repeatedly invented stories to invoke sadness in the Prince, purely for his attention and to keep his eyes upon her. The wickedness did not stop, where he then discovered her planned conception with the jester, and the shenanigans had continued without his knowledge the whole time of their courtship. The maiden used her ladies-in-waiting to spy for her among the court and give her information on the Prince and his closest advisers, but they were found and banished.

He reaffirmed his friendships and sewed the wounds that tore his heart the best he could. Despite trying to shut off his heart and mind to the maiden, she continued to try and appeal to his warm side and befriend him. He wouldn’t listen, and finally turned to those who knew him best. He realised that it was the time to be by himself and spend time finding a maiden who would win his heart in truth and fairness, not wickedness and lies. A maiden who would love him wholly and unreservedly, for this is what the Prince deserved all along.

As for the witch? She is still spinning her webs of deceit and trying to send more ladies-in-waiting to spy on the Prince and his court. She is still acting the prostitute for any man who knocks on her door. She will not win, however, and will continue a very sad and lonely existence in the country far away from the Royalty of the Prince and his court. Where she belongs.


The End.


Moral of the story? Manipulation and lies – they get you nothing.


You Never Truly Know Anyone

Wow. Well, today was a whole bunch of drama. The “friend” I thought I knew who was going through a 21 week miscarriage lied about it. Lied. How fucked up is that?

Literally 4 of us sat and unravelled the most knotted, disturbing bunch of lies I’ve ever come across. I feel numb, sick and sad. The internet is a big, big place. But you get involved with a group of friends and you learn their lives, their hopes, their troubles and you share silly times. I know it’s not the same as being ‘in the world’, as such, but when you’re working and studying and being a mother, unfortunately a lot of relationships turn into telephone or internet based ones.

I admin a group of ‘outcasts’ who until today, have become some of my closest friends. Don’t get me wrong, I am still and I think always will be close to a lot of them. Firm friends now, who I would trust with anything. I also feel like a total fucking mug.

Not two weeks ago, I sat at my desk bawling my eyes out because one of my friends lost her baby boy two days after discovering he even existed.

Too many discrepancies cropped up today. Too many lies uncovered. Too many of everything.

For those of us who have lost babies for real, this has hit so close to home it’s scary. I remember the pain of grief and losing a baby even if it was a little blip on the radar of life. I know of friends who have lost babies for real further along than anyone would wish to lose a child. To lie about something so raw is just… Well, there are no words really.

Makes me wonder about my other friends. Are they really my friends? Do they really care about me like I care about them? Do they tell me things because it’s true, or because they have a computer to hide behind? Do I really know them?


That thought…that just makes me feel so very, very lonely.

Do You Believe..?

believeI believe in Father Christmas. I always have done. Every Christmas Eve til I was 10 I believed in the man who came on a sleigh with his 8 reindeer. With my brothers, I put out carrots and milk for the reindeer and brandy and a mince pie for Father Christmas. On Christmas Morning I would get a shudder of delight opening my stocking on the banister outside my room and would wait patiently til the alarm clock my parents set up would go off at 7.30am – to stop Christmas 5am wake up! We’d then all go down to the hallway and first check the food we left outside and see if FC had been. If he had, we’d all be squealing excitedly before being led into the living room by Mum. Under the massive 7ft tree would be stacks and stacks of gifts and we’d all cheer. Bear in mind, 5 gifts each for 5 kids is 25 presents…

Believing in Father Christmas is what MADE Christmas so exciting when I was a child. The magic of him coming was wonderful. When I was 10 my parents told me the following:

When you turn 10, Santa hands the responsibility of buying presents over to Mum & Dad. There are so many new babies in the world that he has to visit now and you are in double figures – a big girl.

I’ve been reading a lot lately that a lot of parents don’t like to tell their kids about FC from the beginning because, and I quote: They would be lying to their child

What? Just… what? Believing in Father Christmas is one of the best ever things about Christmas as a child! It means magic, and stories, and flying reindeer. Who doesn’t want to believe in flying reindeer?! Granted, I will be the one buying my daughter her gifts, but I want her to have an imagination. I want her to believe in the workshops of the North Pole and that the reindeer eat magic hay to help them fly. Apparently all that magic is irrelevant – you will be LYING to your child and DAMAGING them for life. Give me a break!

In no order, here are some ahem, LIES parents will tell their kids at some point:

  1. If you tell the truth – you won’t get into trouble. This is a total lie in itself, no matter what, they WILL get in trouble!
  2. If you make that face, the wind will change and it will get stuck that way
  3. If you touch your bits too much it’ll drop off! Clearly boys only!
  4. Let me give that scrape a kiss – there ALL better
  5. Don’t suck your thumb. Trees will grow out of it!
  6. Eat your vegetables and you will be like Popeye!
  7. Don’t sit close to the TV or you’ll get square eyes
  8. The police will arrest children who swear!
  9. Eating the crusts will put hairs on your chest
  10. Father Christmas only comes when you’re asleep!

All of these so called lies, are actually fables that get passed down from generation to generation and are a part of growing up. I don’t mind if people don’t tell their kids about FC, I really don’t. I DO mind however if that child will then tell mine that FC doesn’t exist

Why ruin it for those of us who like the magic? I want Sophie to have the same shudder of delight I did, the same excitement that one day there was no gifts under the tree and the next, a pile and a stocking. I can’t wait to take her to put out the food for the reindeer and Father Christmas. I want to see her little face light up with innocence and magic.

I believe. Do you?

Arseholitis…Oops, I mean ‘People Who Cheat’

Lately I have been thinking about how much my life has changed in the last few years and how thankful I am for it. This then got me thinking about how I wish I could go back in time to my 17 year old self, sit me down and bitch slap myself across the face.

I met someone when I was 16. A very long story short? I was cheated on multiple times in the space of four years, but because I was young and stupid I allowed myself to be slowly detached from a lot of people in my life. Friends became just him. Everything I did I was consumed by just him and whether it would be good enough for him. He begged me to move in with him then in a matter of months used Gumtree to find girls to be ‘friends’ with. I made that flat the most homely place ever. It was sparkling clean with good food every day. He forgot our Valentines Day. He bought me a bookmark for my birthday. He then came home from a night out, woke me up and casually told me that he had fucked some girl behind a club. I vomited into the hallway and then he got upset that I didn’t sleep in the same bed as him…!

That is just one example. When I finally got out, I still went back and forth. I mean, how do you stop being around someone who gently extracted you from everyone else? How do you go from being systematically told that you are not good enough for anyone but him and no one else will love you or like you in any way shape or form..to nothing? To not even talking to that person? It’s hard. Insanely hard. I kept going back. He once said to me, ‘I don’t want you anymore, but please don’t date anyone because one day I MIGHT want you again and I need you to wait to see if I will make that decision…in the meantime I will sleep around as much as I like and you have to handle it‘.

No really, he did say that to me. I of course dated anyway, and suffered a barrage of ‘I miss you’, ‘I’ve changed my mind about us’ texts, which would make me drop all and run to him…only to discover I was good enough to have  a one night stand with and drop again like a used tissue. It wasn’t until my wonderful amazing mother took my phone one night and told me these amazing words:

I will give you a backbone whether you like it or not

I have never, ever forgotten these words. I never will. My Mum slowly got me back up. I moved back home and spent a year as a recluse (pretty much!) before meeting Husband.


I’ve rambled a bit haven’t I? My point is this: why cheat? If you stop loving someone or feel different, why go and line yourself up another girlfriend, home, heck even LIFE before dumping someone? Why not just say you can’t do it anymore? Why have no courage? Why be a total coward and lie and lie and lie and cheat?

I can’t understand it. The psychological effect alone is devastating. You spend all your time wishing you knew where the lies started. You obsess over when the happiness finished and the betrayal began. You obsess and cry, and if you’re like me, think Vodka is your new best friend. It makes you doubt every person who ever tell you they have feelings for you because you can’t trust words when the person you trusted the most lied to you. What’s the point in breaking someones heart by planning to get them out of your life? I know more than most that relationships don’t work out sometimes…but it is so much better to have transparency and honesty than a crushed soul.


There is something so dirty about sneaking around behind someones back, isn’t there? I wish I could tell my 17 year old self to stop, think about what you are doing. Get yourself your university education. Learn about who YOU are first. Spend these years being selfish and make some mistakes. I will never get those years back. I feel like I wasted my time so much.

However… without those wasted years, I would not have learned what I know about love and heartbreak. I would not have expected how I should be treated and how I did not WANT to be treated. I’ve learned what my limits are and what the signs are for a man who will cheat on you.

I hate the excuses you know? ‘It was an accident…I didn’t mean it…It meant nothing to me..’ Well, know what, fucktard?? If you are shagging her more than once, it’s not an accident, its a choice. Falling off your bike is an accident, you didn’t fall over into a naked woman ?! Of course it meant something! To me, if not to you! He once told me ‘I haven’t been happy in a long time’. I was stunned, actually stunned. I replied of course, with WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!! I couldn’t fix what I didn’t know was wrong!

The worst though…is the WOMEN the men cheat with. What the hell happened to feminism these days? Sisterhood? No? How can a woman KNOWINGLY sleep with an attached man? Whore much?? You should be keeping it in your knickers if you know he’s not free. Fair enough if you genuinely don’t know I suppose your tits don’t need to be torn off you… but fucking hell. Women shouldn’t do shit like that to each other!


I am lucky in the way that Husband also had this experience. It means we both have gone into our relationship, and marriage, knowing what to expect from each other. If we have a problem, we never say ‘fine’. We hash it out no matter what purely so that we don’t end up in a trap where one is not told the other is unhappy. We make a conscious effort to air our problems out and as such are STILL in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the first few weeks of dating.

Because of that fuckhead it took me a long, long time to trust Husband. I couldn’t relax for ages and had such issues  but you know…they’re almost all gone. I am now a naturally suspicious person because of him. I’m slowly being ‘tamed’. Husband told me I was like a frightened rabbit and actually nicknamed me ‘Flinchy’ for the first few months of our relationship.


So if I ever hear of anyone, man or woman, who cheats on my friends…here is my advice: