Holy Hit Rating, Batman!

Earlier today, I made it public on Facebook that I would be featuring the real birth stories of real women. By this, I don’t mean 16 and Pregnant stars or celebrities with their too posh to push sections, but real down to earth women. Births which are traumatic, births which are textbook, some with sad endings, most with happy endings.

The reason for all this, is because of books and magazines. They do not showcase the REAL experiences of women. Of course they don’t; they don’t want to scare the shit out of their readers! Birth is a very raw experience. You are brought to your knees (literally) and stripped of any facade. As a woman you are down to the bare bones of your emotions. The experiences written in the majority of baby books, magazines and leaflets are those of a mother going in smiling and looking pristine, and then holding a baby in a clean white blanket and looking healthy and serene.

The reality is far from it. Sweating, mooing (yes, mooing), moaning, screaming, exhausting, exhilarating, heart wrenching. All these words barely scrape the surface of labour, birth and the aftermath. So I decided it was about time women got to share their stories; blood, stitches, the lot!

Some very good women I know of have helpfully shared their story with photos, anecdotes and excruciating detail. These are not for the faint of heart, not for those who are looking solely for fluffy experience. These are for women who want a true picture of how labour can be, who want a raw insight to the realities of childbirth and who want to grit their teeth and go in eyes wide open and ready for whatever gets thrown at them.

Not all of the stories are of easy birth; there is one on the way of a shoulder dystocia birth from a very good friend of mine who is currently carrying a second little miracle, her son happy and healthy after a traumatic birth. Another friend has bravely posted the story of her little girl, who was born sleeping at 34 weeks gestation. These stories do not show serenity and candles and mood music. They show emotion and bravery and courage from women who have carried on and had another child despite the traumas of the past.

A lot of my friends have posted hard but amazing labours, with gorgeous little bundles to show off and quick exits from hospitals (rather like Sophie’s story!)

These are the women who should be looked up to and emulated. These are mothers. Real, uncut and ready for you to read. Go on. Have a look. You’ll be just as amazed as I am.

Click here to read on!

 

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What To Expect When You’re Expecting…The Dark Side

This post is dedicated to a very good (and halfway pregnant, squee!) friend of mine.

 

During pregnancy women get asked all manner of weird and wonderful things. So I’m going to list the top things said to pregnant 01women:

1. Oh WOW – you’re BIG!!!! 

Good Response:

Thank you, I’m doing well for 9 months pregnant!

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m fat? Cos most of this is baby and water.

Ugly Response:

So are you.

2. 8 months? Really? You’re not showing that much, you CAN’T be that far? (Actually said to me!)

Good Response:

Oh thanks, this will make it easier to snap back!

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m faking it? *shoves scan pictures at them!*

Ugly Response:

I had sex 8 months ago. You didn’t.

3. I heard labour isn’t all that painful. (Worse if being said by a man…)images (4)

Good Response:

Good news! I should breeze this then

Bad Response:

Are you saying I couldn’t take the pain?

Ugly Response:

You don’t have to do this, shut the fuck up.

4. Oh I noticed you’d gained a belly, I just thought it was you eating too much

Good Response:

Haha, no, I have a baby in there!

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

Ugly Response:

I noticed that about you too.

5. Should you really be eating that? (Anything that isn’t organic/healthy/green)090312-iv-angry-pregnant-woman

Good Response:

Cravings do funny things to a person

Bad Response:

Yes actually I should. Because I’m hungry. AND I NEED IT.

Ugly Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME GREEDY?!

6. You look just about ready to pop! (said at any time after 6 months)do_not_touch_my_belly_sticker-p217667666017580920en8ct_400

Good Response:

Oh really? I have a way to go yet!

Bad Response:

SO I’M FAT AM I????

Ugly Response:

I am about ready to pop. You. In the face. With a chair.

7. Did you mean to get pregnant, I mean, is this an accident or planned? (100% said to me!)

Good Response:

Thanks for asking me… Of course, this baby was planned out. It wouldn’t matter either way though because we’re so thrilled

Bad Response:

Are you saying I’m a slut??

Ugly Response:

I meant to get pregnant. Did your mother mean to swallow you?

8. God! PREGNANCY HORMONES MUCH??

Good Response:

Excuse me, I apologise, hormones are everywhere now

Bad Response:

YOU CALLED ME FAT!

Ugly Response:

No! Not hormones! YOU. ALWAYS YOU!

9. I think you’re carrying a girl, they say girls steal your beautyannoying-things-to-say

Good Response:

Well, good thing I’m not sure what I’m carrying then

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME UGLY?

Ugly Response:

That explains your mother then.

10. You are planning to breastfeed aren’t you?

Good Response:

We’re not sure yet, we’ll decide when the time comes

Bad Response:

Why are you pressuring me?

Ugly Response:

Thanks for the interest in my tits. How about you worry about what you/your wife is doing with theirs and keep your nose out of mine?

11. Oh MY GOD I can’t believe you chose NOT to breastfeed! Don’t you know what you are doing? YOU’RE POISONING YOUR CHILD!

Good Response:

Thank you for your concern, but formula is the way to go for me and my baby

Bad Response:

What concern is it of yours, bitch?

Ugly Response:

Since when did my boobs become your personal worry? Fuck off.

12. Are you planning on pain relief? Cos you really shouldn’t drug your babycartoon28

Good Response:

Um, we haven’t really decided. We’ll worry about it when the time comes.

Bad Response:

Oh I see you have no children? Mm. Thanks for the labour advice.

Ugly Response:

The baby isn’t even here yet and you’re going to judge my decisions and call me a bad parent? Fuck you.

13. So, have you had your cervix checked yet?

Good Response:

That’s really not your concern.

Bad Response:

WHY WOULD YOU ASK SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION? (while sobbing)

Ugly Response:

How is your vagina looking these days?

14. Of course your mother should be in the room while you give birth, she is your mother. You can’t do this without her.

Good Response:

Thanks for your input.

Bad Response:

Oh should she now? I think my partner/husband/boyfriend/person who made baby is probably the person I can’t do this without thanks

Ugly Response:

That’s funny, she didn’t need to be there when I was making this baby. Why does she need to be there now?

15. Wow…you STILL look pregnant. How many weeks post baby are you now? think-im-crabby-bg2

Good Response:

I’m enjoying my baby at the moment, the weight will go in time.

Bad Response:

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT??

Ugly Response:

You look pregnant too. You don’t even have kids.

 

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