Six Months

We are now six months into what is turning into a fantastic 2015 (fingers crossed, touching wood and horseshoes and all that). I’ll give you a bullet pointed run down of why this year is so nice so far:

– We have had a family holiday.

Yes, it was Great Yarmouth and yes it was only four nights, but we had family time together as a foursome. Madeleine’s first holiday and she loved it. Sophie can’t stop chattering about it and despite the fact the sea caught her and made her wellies wet, she keeps asking to go and build more sand castles.

– Madeleine no longer keeps me awake for days on end.

Self explanatory, cheers and champagne all round for this one!

– We have a collective four weekends away happening before the end of the year.

My niece made her first Holy Communion in May, we are soon to be heading to Amy nephews christening when that’s booked, I have a hen do in August and we are visiting Middlesbrough in October.

– Nursery.

Sophie is thriving at nursery. She is doing so well there and with her being toilet trained day and night already life is so much simpler. Nursery gives me valuable one on one time with Madeleine as well as has brought Sophie and I closer together because we aren’t 24/7 in each other’s company. Which to be honest, sounds awful, but being human and all I like to hear about my daughters time away and I love her running at me excitedly to tell me of her adventures as a Beautiful Butterfly (the name of her room lol)

– Me.

I started this year with a goal of “me”. Self indulgent and selfish as that is, I’ve given my body and brain to other people since getting pregnant with Sophie. I’ve either been working, studying or pushing out a baby from 2011-2014 so I decided to take 2015 for me. Shamefully, I began my year weighing a hefty 16stone 12, or 236lbs. Reading that back, all I can think is YIKES. After the smear test before Christmas, I was essentially frightened into doing something about my health. We’ve all had those resolutions before haven’t we, lose weight yada yada. For me? It wasn’t a choice. I had allowed myself to become morbidly obese and stupidly unhealthy. I was on the road to healthy back in 2013 but life got in the way and I slipped up majorly.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t just lose weight. I vowed that I would be more patient, more aware of my surroundings and get out of the house. I didn’t ever want to go out. Combine the new baby and the toddler and the general embarrassment of myself in public, and you had a classic hermit situation. I think I’ve actually shocked myself if I’m honest. I didn’t expect to want to stick with it and do well. I took up the 5:2 way of life, please google this if you don’t know what it is, and I surrounded myself with supportive people and those I could moan and groan to when I needed it.

As it stands, I wanted to lose 6stone 12 to get me to 149lbs (10st) and I gave myself 2015 to do it in. I’m currently writing a diary blog aside from this which is yet unpublished with photos and progress and meals etc but I will not publish that until o reach that goal. Today, I weigh 3stone 7 less than I did. I’ve taken half a year to lose half what I wanted to lose. And I am fucking proud of myself. I am no longer classed as morbidly obese, I am now “overweight”. That in itself is a huge achievement for me. I haven’t been such a small weight for almost seven years. Since I was 20 years old. How lazy and how selfish of me to treat my body that way!? I see the fact I only now have 47lb to lose, and I am chasing that finish line.

Once I do, I will link my diary blog complete with horrifying start photos and progress photos and I will shout and brag from the rooftops. I have binned my fat clothes as I’ve lost weight purely so I have no excuse. I am accountable for every action and I log everything on Instagram and myfitnesspal for that reason.

So. This year is pretty great. There are some other things I want to say but I can’t just yet, I can’t jinx things that are ahead for us.

It’s about time we had some happiness ahead. And thank you so much to those of you who are cheering us on – you know who you are and how much I love you.

Until next time x x

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Sister Sister

 

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At long last, Sophie is finally acknowledging the fact that Madeleine is here to stay and not just some loud squally creature who pukes a lot. We are getting voluntary kisses. We are having Sophie ask us where Madeleine is and what she’s doing.

Earlier today, she proclaimed herself to be a doctor while wearing a toy stethoscope. She then asked to hear Madeleine’s heart and held it on her tummy (she’s two remember!) and said ‘bump bump beats’. This may not sound like much, but Sophie has spent the best part of these fifteen weeks totally ignoring her. Since she was born Sophie has shown fleeting interest but nothing of note. Having her ask where she is is huge!!! She’s realising that she’s here to stay, and hearing her sweet little voice say “Mummy, Daddy, Sophie, Maddie all go park now!” Is amazing.. Utterly amazing.

 

Despite me begging my mum every Christmas, I don’t have a sister. I remember crying a lot when I didn’t get one. Husband also doesn’t have any sisters. So a house full of girly laughter, glitter and even the cat fights of the future is something to smile about. I’m hoping that they have an incredible bond. I can’t wait to see them grow up together and have their own children, I can’t wait to see them hopefully lean on each other in support and excitement through babies and weddings. It’s so exciting to imagine the future and build castles in the sky for them. I love the age Sophie is right  now, the world is a magical place full of Santa and magic wands and talking trains and according to her, Madeleine is a silly sausage on a daily basis. But she loves her. We can finally see it in front of us. image

Until she starts crawling of course, then all bets may be off!

 

 

 

Dear Madeleine…

I am writing you a letter for your baby book because today has been a shit day and if I don’t write it all down I have nothing for you to read when you have your own children.

You my darling girl, are a pain in my backside. An adorable, smiley, incredible, miracle of a creature who is a pain. You’re a pain because, like your mother and grandmother, you are nosey. You want to be held all the time and sat up all the time. But no no the swing just won’t do. The pram won’t do. The basket won’t do. Even daddy just will not do! The only way you are happy is if I am holding you.

This is something that’s tough for me. I love you with all my heart and more, and you’ll learn this one day, but you have a big sister. A big sister that I am used to being alone with and who now has to share me with you. How do I split myself in half to give you both equal attention? I can’t. I have to take it in turns for how much attention I give you both at a time. Thankfully Sophie is brilliant at independent play because this allows me the time to hold you and kiss you and make you smile that beautiful beaming smile you reserve just for me.

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People may read this letter that I am writing to you, my three month old little chunk, and think that I am harsh. I mean, how can a mother complain that her child wants her? Sounds absurd doesn’t it? I love you and your sister very much.
When I had just had Sophie I had a bit of a breakdown in Asda when she was a week old. I couldn’t fathom how I was supposed to love your daddy so much AND love Sophie as much as I did. Some days I didn’t feel like I had room. Some days I still feel like I don’t because now I love you just as much as them. So I split myself and my heart three ways now.

And some days that really sucks. Some days I wish the baby days away so I can play with you and Sophie properly together. Some days I find it incredibly hard to split my focus between you and some days this makes me cry with guilt and frustration.

And you know what? I wouldn’t change it. Of course I would prefer to have better days where you can grow the patience bone and wait for me to finish eating/peeing/playing with Sophie long enough for me to stop feeling such guilt about how I pay attention to you both. But I wouldn’t change it.

I definitely wish you to grow up sometimes. I wish you could talk and tell me what’s wrong. I’ve been so used to a walking talking child which is so much easier to get to know what’s wrong. I wish you could run and play and get mucky in paint. I know this is all to come. It’s all ahead of us and I guarantee you I will spend your childhood, adolescence and adulthood wishing you were as you are right now.

I will wish for the days where you need me and need me to hold you so you feel secure. I will wish for the days where you want to be nosey by sitting in my lap. I will even wish for my hair being caught up in your chubby little starfish of a hand. I love how squishy and new you still are. I love how you look up at me and realise who I am and gummy smile.

I love you. Your existence in my world is necessary for me to breathe every day. I plan on giving you your baby book when you’re (hopefully) pregnant yourself and this letter will be nestled in the pages. You’re probably reading this and smiling and excited about what is to come.

And you’re probably still a pain in the arse. 🙂

All my love,

Your Mummy xxxx

Week One…DONE!

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Achievement Unlocked!!! I have been a mum of two children for a whole week already. For those that missed it, Madeleine was born at 38 weeks on the 1st August at 6:58pm. She weighed in at 7lb 14oz and you can click here to read her birth story.

We brought her home the next day and since then it has been one heck of a learning curve. Two children equals double the work at bed, bath and meal times. It means choosing the moments when to eat or shower and building that around them. Thankfully Husband is home for the month of August before starting his new job in September, which is alleviating a lot of pressure on me. This has meant I haven’t had any real post baby breakdowns, or feelings of helplessness, uselessness or depression. I am so grateful for this you have no idea. When Sophie was born, I was terrified of even dressing her; I wouldn’t put her vests on her for fear of hurting her head. This time, because Husband is home I can get past the initial scary new baby weeks before going it 90% alone when he is doing shift work again.

I haven’t been afraid of dressing Madeleine, or changing her nappy or any of the things that scared me with Sophie. I am so much more relaxed and because of that, Sophie is relaxing around her new sister. It has taken the week for her to be comfortable enough to touch Madeleine and give her cuddles. All week long Sophie has been happy to peep in and look at her and tell us ”Maddie pretty!” but otherwise she has stayed well away. She’s coming around though! She now wants to watch her nappy get changed, and she wants to 10417525_10152338703387153_5243495858596318753_nkiss her on the forehead and show her her toys. It’s so lovely to watch and it’s going to just get better as they get older together.

Sophie is now sleeping right through the night. We’ve had four nights of no waking up at all aside from a sip of water, which I won’t count seeing as it’s fairly humid. Perfect timing seeing as Madeleine is on a schedule of wake ups! While Husband is home, we have strict shifts for nights so that in these early days while we all get used to each other it’s fair. I do the 10pm-2am shift, and he does 2am-6am. Before 10pm we take it in turns and Sophie wakes up at 6am so we all get up together. The first two nights were flipping horrendous, but I think that’s down to the fact I had just had a baby and didn’t sleep in the hospital ward! I wouldn’t cope without the shared night shift, not at the moment anyway – I am aware I will have to when he goes back to work. I don’t expect him to do night shifts when working 14 hours at a time! Until then, we share the workload and he is so hands on, it’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

10547643_10152342833162153_5847535588831934647_nWeirdly, I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that I have two children. I can’t imagine Madeleine not being here, but at the same time cannot quite believe she’s here! I’ve never felt more content with my lot. I may not be cash rich but I am rich with my family. It’s exciting, the fact that the ‘trying for a baby’ chapter of my life is now over. I’ve had my babies, now I get to raise them! I get to be Mummy and I get to be a wife again. Not that those things stopped when I was pregnant, but I definitely feel more human than I did a few weeks ago. I have two beautiful little girls and the amount of glitter that is going to cover my house in years to come is going to be insane!

Sophie is a chatting little monkey and in a couple of weeks we are revisiting potty training. With all the upheaval of Madeleine’s arrival and moving house, we are waiting until we’ve moved to concentrate properly on getting her out of nappies. It’s going to be nice to only have one child in nappies at a time.

 

June…How The Hell Did That Happen?!

Six months have passed by since I got my positive pregnancy test, and I am sitting here wondering what happened to all the months in between! I suddenly find myself almost 30 weeks pregnant and into the home stretch. If we go by when I went into labour with Sophie, I only have 9 weeks to go…which is scary. And exciting. But mainly scary.

White top (Sophie 38 weeks) Black top (Madeleine 29weeks)
White top (Sophie 38 weeks)
Black top (Madeleine 29weeks)

In the next thirteen weeks, I will be having a new baby, moving house (potentially 205 miles away from where we are now!) and Husband will be changing jobs, if we manage to secure him work up North. Lots of big changes and not a lot of time. There’s every chance that we may not move at all, it’s all job dependent, but hey we don’t do things by half haha!

Second pregnancies are HARD. I have such respect for my Mum, who was nuts enough to do this five bloody times. The first time round, if I was tired, I could nap. If I was hungry, I could eat. If I wanted to just sit in silence, silence was what I had. This time? This time I have a gorgeous and LOUD almost two year old who is awake at 6.30 and goes to bed at 6. There’s no nap time. There’s no eating without rushing or sharing. There’s no relaxation when you have a tantruming toddler to sort out.

It’s physically and emotionally more exhausting. Rewarding, yes, but exhausting. No one tells you about it! No one explains that being pregnant with other children around means hormones run wild and how exhausting it is. I can’t run properly after Sophie lugging the giant bump around. Night time wakings, which although are less so now, still happen with Sophie. Third trimester means I don’t sleep as it is, never mind actually having to sort another child out at the same time, so I don’t sleep at night and Sophie doesn’t sleep in the day so I can’t even snatch an hour.

That said – I wouldn’t change it. I can’t imagine not knowing Madeleine now and I cannot wait to meet her – not just for the reason that I am shattered either! I can say with a lot of confidence though, that as much as I love her, I have NOT loved being pregnant this time and I’m looking forward to getting back to being me, a mummy and a wife without the added weight in front!

I will be bottle feeding again this time round, and I am praying (hard) that Madeleine is a joy as a baby like Sophie was. The best bit about everything coming up, is moving to a house again with a garden. I have no plans at all to lug two kids to the park while Madeleine is so little, so a garden will be such a big help for play times.

ANYWAY

 

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Sophie is doing really well. She is cheeky and has definitely entered the terrible twos. 90% of the time we have an amazing day together and she spends the day very well behaved, playing, laughing and eating well. She is still on Movicol and Senna for her bowels as we still haven’t got an answer on her constipation.

The one thing that we have had some issues with lately is attitude. Sophie is very headstrong and we have introduced a ‘calm down chair’ or in other words ‘somewhere-you-will-sit-and-learn-to-calm-your-temper-so-Mummy-has-a minute-to-calm-hers’ chair. Sophie has very much come into her own with what she wants, and sometimes when she doesn’t get what she wants WHEN SHE DEMANDS, then the world ended and the screaming begins. However. I do not give in to baby demands when it isn’t a necessity (ie, biscuits before dinner). So when she kicks off, she gets a warning and if that doesn’t work we go into the calm down chair for a minute at a time. Sophie never gets told off for being angry etc, or upset, but when she gets angry she throws toys and everything else she can reach and also smacks herself in the head. Not sure how that helps, but it’s what she does! Sophie understands the chair and what it’s for, as she says sorry and gives me a kiss after I explain why she is on the chair in the first place. Thing is, when you are heavily pregnant, dealing with a toddler can be quite a bit more of a challenge because you’re tired and cranky as it is. A tiny girl high pitched screaming in your face is enough to push the hardest of buttons!

We have put in place a counting system. Sophie is very good most of the time, and sometimes she will throw her rubbish etc on the floor. If I ask her to pass the rubbish to Mummy, she will stamp a foot and say no. So all I have to do is say ‘Mummy is going to count to five, and I would like you to pick it up please’. So far, I have never got past 2 before she leaps into action.

If I had known about the counting thing a couple weeks ago, I could have saved myself a hell of a lot of fighting with a tiny person haha!!

I have to say though, Sophie is just an infectious ball of sunshine. She has this giggle that is so catching, and lately she has been cuddly to ME – her MUM. I never ever get the cuddly bits! Sophie usually reserves her affections for her Daddy. She understands she has a sister coming and will kiss my bump and say ‘Maddie’. Her speech is amazing and her manners are lovely. I get a ‘thank you Mummy’ every time she gets given something now, and I am so pleased because manners are the one thing that I always wanted to make sure she has.

I think that’s pretty much it for now!

Neglected Much?!

It has been a loooong time since my last update. Busy as anything and my laptop (my other baby!) went off for repairs. Now I finally have it back, I can actually update this as often as possible.

Sophie’s World:

 

Sophie is now 20 months old (what?!), has over 75 words in her vocabulary and a keen sense of fashion. No really, she loves shoes, dresses and hair clips and can now be found pulling them off the shelves in Asda. Shame she doesn’t keep the hair clips in long enough to enjoy them! She is growing up so fast and yet still in most of her 12-18m clothes, due to the narrow hips she has. We are back to her loving bath time thank God, and we have also moved her to a big bed! Since 18m, Sophie has slept without cot sides and we have had such an easy transition I am dreading potty training as I surely couldn’t get that lucky!

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And in other news…

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Sophie is going to be a big sister! We found out that we are having another girl, due a week after Sophie turns two. I am absolutely over the moon with this as I grew up in a house full of boys so two daughters and lots of glitter will be a lovely change. Her name will be Madeleine Rose and we cannot wait to meet her! We are 24 weeks along now, and she is kicking and punching me like mad. Bump is actually growing, which is such a difference compared to my bump with Sophie at the same age (non existent!)

24 Weeks

I will be able to update a lot more now, so I shall be back soon!