My favourite song of all time is Emotions, by Samantha Sang and The BeeGees. I remember being a little girl and my Dad singing it to me when he was wallpapering my brothers bedroom. The image of being about six years old and hearing that song on the radio with him is one of my most treasured memories. So the reason I mention this, is I am an emotional wreck. I am a writer, but I am no good at speaking the words I feel.
I do what I do best, and write them down. Like I am now. Basically I am an emotional wreck, and I can’t blame it on being drunk, and I can’t blame it on being upset. I am a mess. I cried today because Sophie gave me a long look and said ‘Mummy’ and then smiled her head off. It is a sad, sad life when you cry at things like that!
I don’t easily say how I feel (ask my Husband, he would agree) unless I’m angry, I can’t verbalise what I feel for him. I couldn’t describe how much I love my Sophie because trying to put that into words would probably break the universe, it’s THAT impossible. I think of Sophie every moment I’m not with her. I wonder what she is doing, if she is laughing, if she is happy. Same goes for Husband, I wonder whether he is okay and what he is doing. I tell Sophie I love her every single day, usually in the hopes that she will repeat it!
It scares me a lot, the idea of adding a fourth little life into our bubble of three. I barely imagined splitting my love for Sophie from how much I loved my Husband the first time round, but it’s such a different type of love isn’t it? This time, I will be loving two babies, and this is scary. I worry I don’t have the capacity to do it, but at the same time, know that I do. It’s all very confusing!
I am going to do everything I can to make sure Sophie always feels loved and never feels like my love for her changes. I worry a lot that she won’t feel like she is important anymore, then I remember that she will never remember what it’s like to be an only child, she will always remember her new brother or sister though and that is so important to me.
Hormones have messed right up since my new tenant moved into my womb – I cry a LOT more than I did in early pregnancy with Sophie. It’s all different this time! One week until my early scan now to make sure everything is where it should be, then it’s going to be Christmas, which will no doubt make me cry!!!