Finding out i was pregnant with Coen was one of the best days of my life. After two miscarriages and finding out my husband and i had fertility issues, it was not only exciting but a huge relief.
Trying to get pregnant seems fun at first, but after heartbreak, disappointment and frustration for 9 months, it was more like a chore. I had become obsessed with charting and ovulation and disgusting things like cervical mucus. Needless to say, I was beyond excited to put that chapter of my life behind me and I’m sure my husband was glad to have his wife back to only halfway insane. I had an amazing pregnancy. I had very little sickness and almost no heartburn. i was sleepy but had plenty of opportunities for naps. I did however gain 60 pounds. So around week 38, i was over being pregnant. i wasn’t sleeping and I was just so ready to meet my little man.
Due to a blood clotting disorder, i knew i wouldn’t be aloud to go overdue but I wasn’t exactly sure when I would be induced. I tried all the tricks to go into labor on my own, walking, sex, pineapple etc and even though I was 2-3 cm and 80%effaced at 38 weeks, it didn’t happen. On Wednesday (39 weeks exactly) I went to the Dr. I begged her to induce me and told her Od make her a pie. I have no idea why those words came out of my mouth because I’ve never made a pie in my life. But it worked, she scheduled me to be induced the next day. And I made an awesome pie for her and one for the nurses too. I knew I was expecting a big baby, he consistently measured a week ahead on ultrasounds. They thought around 8.5-9 lbs. Thursday morning I went into the hospital around 7:30 and was put on Pitocin to induce my labor. Labor was a lot more pleasant that I’d imagined. My contractions didn’t hurt for at least the first few hours.
At 4 cm my dr. broke my water. From that point, things started moving pretty fast and got a lot more painful. I went from 4 cm to 7 cm in around 2.5 hrs. At 5 cm I asked for my epidural because they told me it would take a while for the anesthesiologist to get there. Well they were right, it was 1.5 hrs later. About 30 minutes of that was pure hell. It got real up in there let me just tell ya. I made it to 7cm without pain relief on Pitocin, quite an accomplishment from what i hear. The epidural was pretty amazing though. Once I reached 10 cm, I still wasn’t ready to push because my son was still really high up so they let me sit for a while and hope he moved down. I started feeling the urge to push but my dr. was in an emergency c section with a poor girl who came in in labor at 30 weeks and it couldn’t be stopped. So I had to wait it out.
Once I started pushing with the nurse, I realized it wasn’t gonna be as easy as I thought. I had always believed that labor was the hard part. I was wrong. Pushing was the hardest thing I’d ever done. My mom and husband were in the room with me and at several points all three of us were crying. My husband had to get up on the bed with me and physically help me push i was so exhausted. i broke down at one point about 2 hours in and made them let me stop. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so defeated. My mom prayed with me, that’s how difficult the situation was. I was so tired after 12/13 hours of labor and over 2 hours of pushing and getting no where. I begged for help after 30 more minutes of pushing so the nurse finally got the dr. The dr. Told me it was too late for a c section, he had gotten stuck behind my pubic bone and there was only one way out at that point. I begged for forceps or a vaccine delivery.
She told me if she did that she would almost certainly break his collar bone on the way out. She told me I needed to get him out and that I could do it. Nothing will motivate you like hearing your baby is in danger. She asked if she could cut me and of course I agreed. I wanted that baby out of me no matter what it took. 5 minutes later his head was out and another 3 minutes or so later, my baby was born. 12.5 hrs of labor + 3 hrs of pushing. He looked beyond scary when he came out. Half his head was completely black and misshapen end from being stuck for so long. He had a slight fever, and everyone was scared to death something was wrong with him because of how he looked. Funny thing was though after about an hour, he looked like a normal newborn and was fine, just very sleepy. He didn’t nurse well, but all things considered he was amazing. I felt like a failure, it wasn’t the experience I wanted.
When I held him I didn’t even feel that happy, just exhausted and defeated. I’m not sure why I took the delivery so hard. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m a control freak. I had pictured 30 minutes of pushing and then a baby. I thought I would’ve been “better” at it. When I found out my son was nearly 10 pounds I felt a little better. We had a room full of guests come in afterwards and they stayed til after 2 am and I was beyond exhausted. The nurses finally let me sleep about 3 am. When I woke up around 5am, I heard the tiniest little squeak. I reached over and picked up my baby and immediately fell in love. I didn’t bond at first, but it didn’t take me long. He was amazing and I will remember that beautiful moment forever.
In the following week we were readmitted for jaundice. His numbers reached dangerous levels and he was so lethargic he wouldn’t nurse. But once we overcame that things were much better. He was a fairly easy baby, slept through the night from 7 weeks old until he started teething and just a real joy to have. When I think of my birth story, I wish I hadn’t had so many expectations. I wish I hadn’t placed so much pressure on myself to “do it right” and that I had embraced how difficult it was and been proud instead of upset. But I can look back now and accept the experience as mine. It may not have been what I wanted, but its what got me my beautiful boy, and therefore, worth it.
**Brother to Westin Charles**