With Every Day, I Am Almost Me

Motherhood is like being beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas. Well, that’s what it’s like for me…possibly because on a daily basis I AM beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas I created. Convert sticks to toys/books/various play dough cut offs and there you go, my day in a nutshell. I’ve been a mother for four years next month (starting from Sophie’s conception!) and it has left me feeling bruised so far. Bruised with worry, with exhaustion, with sheer boredom some days. But do you know what… Bruises heal. Time marches on and those bruised feelings go away and instead you get pride, love and happiness. Of course, those things have always been there, stamped through me like a stick of rock. Some days however, those happy feelings get dulled down among the bruises and I have finally got to a point where I feel like that’s okay! With Madeleine now 14.5m and Sophie now 3, the happy feelings are shining through more and more. Think neon lights and you may come close to what I am talking about. 

Every day, every single day, I am almost me again. I am not just a mother, or a wife. I am not just someone who cleans the house, the babies, the husband… I am me again. I am sleeping better than ever. I am laughing and dancing and dare I say, just shy of a five stone weight loss & so close to being healthy, which is something I haven’t been for almost 10 years. I am about to have a social life again, I am wearing clothes that make me feel like a woman and not just ‘mum’. 

Every day, I am me again. I get the pieces back that I sacrificed for my children and their happiness. I love being with them every day. I marvel at Sophie’s intelligence and speech and all round amazing imagination. I marvel at Madeleine’s ability to melt me with a cuddle round the knees because that’s the only part of me she can reach when stood up. I used to wake up and pray for bed time because I was too tired to appreciate my daughters. Waking up and dreading the day ahead used to make me feel so guilty and so depressed and so… Empty. 

Now life is different. Instead of fighting how I feel, I embrace it. No matter what. If Maddie throws her dinner around and points to the freezer asking for ice cream, it doesn’t exasperate me. It makes me laugh that at 14.5m old she can do that already. Instead of impatience creeping in I feel calm. 

It’s like waking up after a very very long time asleep and wading through piles of shit. And my goodness, waking up is so much better than being asleep. 

Every single day… I get me back… 

And I love it. 

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