A Kiss Goodnight

I’ve just been in to kiss my daughters and rearrange them in their beds, as I do every night. I’ve just smoothed their blankets and moved lost teddies closer to them, as I do every night. I’ve just stroked their heads and listened to them gently snore, as I do every night. 

Tonight was different. Not in routine; never in routine… But it was different. Somewhere out there a mother or a father in Syria have done just this. Among the war and discord in their country, they’ve gazed at their children and smoothed their hair and taken a breath in awe at the life they created. A life that, for all intents and purposes, the U.K. is about to help rip apart. 

Isis, or Daesh as they don’t wish to be known, are cowards. Cowards to hide behind civilians, innocent men, women and children. Cowards to use those innocent people as collateral damage, knowing the bombs and guns and war about to descend on them will cause death and destruction that Syrian people have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with. 

But hey, what’s a few more lives right? A few more dead if it means we can just get to ISIS. If we can just kill people to show them that killing people is bad. To teach them that they are getting to us. You know, there’s a much faster way to stop ISIS. Faster and with less death. Less collateral damage. 

Stop funding them. Stop providing them with weapons. Stop providing them with training. Stop paying them to bomb us and provoke war and fear and help the governments commit controlled mass murder. But they won’t. They want the world fearful. They want the world at war with each other and now, now the UK are getting their bombs ready to rush in and join yet another fight that is nothing to do with us. Another fight that will drag on for years and destroy families and futures. And for what? Oil? Money? Power? 

There are mothers out there who imagines castles in the sky for her children. There are mothers out there kissing their babies goodnight and marvelling at their innocence. 

There are mothers out there just like me, who have no idea how their lives are about to change. 

And I wish it would just stop. 

A Little Thanks

Three years ago today I decided to write a blog. Here we are, three years later and still going strong! Thousands of views a week, loads of lovely feedback and I am grateful to still be writing my absolute rubbish thoughts lol. Sophie was the original dummysucker and Maddie has followed on since she was born. It’s been a whirlwind three years and there is so much more to come. Thanks for being with me on this ride!
Happy Birthday DummySucker! 

It’s A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World

The world has officially gone bat shit crazy. Bombs and wars and terrorist attacks and planes shot down and magic indestructible passports consistently found on masked men screaming about ISIS. Incidentally, why blow someone up with a mask on and then carry a passport? <– Nope. Doesn’t happen. Placement, people. Placement. 

The world has gone bat shit crazy. Blame and finger pointing and people screaming about religion being a problem and innocent people being persecuted for their beliefs. People bombing people in the so called ‘name of God’. I believe in God but I refuse to believe that God screams for blood. 

Every religion has its extremists, whether they’re killing in the name of their God or trying to follow the old ways of a book written by men a thousand years ago in an old world, extremists exist. Muslim, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist (Yep even Buddhism. In the 1970s. Google it!)

There was a whole other era where people were persecuted for their beliefs. The nazis behaved that way. An important term to mention here is ‘scapegoat’. Hitler and the Nazis said the Jews were responsible for huge events like losing World War One and the economic crisis. This was totally untrue. But by giving the Jews the blame Hitler created an enemy. Hitler said that all Germany’s problems had been caused by the Jews. Many people believed him. Now replace all those words with Muslims and ISIS and the world governments. The human race just doesn’t fucking learn. 

The same is happening again. The powers that be in charge of us all (government and money creators) have us exactly where they want us. The saying goes divide and conquer. Well, the world is divided and we are being conquered. How can people not wake the heck up and see this?? Oil, land, bloody popcorn…whatever the goal, the way to get there is to group us into neat little piles based on colour/creed/sexuality (take your pick!) and have us fight among ourselves. You won’t find leaders picking up weapons and wading into a fight. You won’t find David Cameron or Barack Obama wading in to fight for whatever the fuck it is they want. They’ll drop bombs and send nukes, stirring the world up into a frenzy and send our military to do the dirty work.

Blow up trade centres as an excuse to go and invade a country for their oil, and the world turns on Muslims. Do some research. Apparently the passports of the plane hijackers who crashed into the towers on 9/11 all survived. So hundreds of computers, printers, desks, fucking steel beams didn’t survive a plane crash – hell not even the PLANES survived the crash – but flimsy little paper passports did. Oh wait, maybe it’s because they were laminated. Eye roll. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is our scapegoat. Every few years a group crops up bombing the shit out of others; IRA, Al Qaeda, ISIS. No matter what we do, they will always pop up. Why? Funding. Lords of War who give weapons and training and money to these people so they can bomb others. Large governments (USA, UK etc) fund shit like this. It’s all strategy for their own gain and as silly as this is I am going to quote Shrek:

“Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make”

Lord Farquad said this. And it is so close and so true to what our own governments are doing that it’s scary. 

Instead of being divided and conquered by religion or race we should instead be banding together as humans against those determined for us to kill each other. Controlled mass murder should not be happening in our lifetime. Terrorism does not have a religion. Terrorism cannot even be pinned to one race (IRA were white, remember?). 

The Four Horsemen certainly are doing their jobs recently and it’s innocent people in the crossfire. 

The world has gone bat shit crazy. And I brought children into it. 

Transition

Last January I made two resolutions. The first was not to get pregnant and the second was not to move house. 

I have busted one of those resolutions. Before you start screeching, no I am not pregnant. No babies reside in my womb so let’s not go there!

We were due to move house in January, therefore not breaking my new year promise to stay put and not pack up and move anywhere. The trouble is I didn’t factor in the perfect little house coming up on the private rental market, meaning no agency fees to pay out for! This means our house move is taking place before Christmas, in three weeks. 
Three. Weeks.

Not only will I be packing and cleaning an entire house with two small ones around (husband on the night shift!) I have also managed to coordinate a mover, the bills being moved and everyone who has needed a months notice has been given it. 

I am excited. We have moved a lot in the last couple of years and we’ve had warnings about disrupting the kids. But do you know what? We’ve moved to BENEFIT them. We moved without choice sometimes, like when the landlord of our lovely house down south wanted his house back. Or the six flights of steps with a heavy buggy in a block of flats. Then moving 150miles away for a better opportunity and life. 

There’s going to be a day we don’t have the kids around anymore as they’ll have grown up and moved out and that day won’t be too far ahead. So we have to make sure we are okay too. This move HAS to be a final one purely because of schools. Simon going to school and Sophie entering reception year means we need stability and security and doing that as cheaply as possible haha. 

There’s the added bonus that I will be moving closer to Amy & Gina. I will actually be able to have a social life and friends close by! And a garden for BBQs! And nearby shops! 
I have come to a point that transition is a good thing and I don’t care for the opinions of others on the matter. I just want my little family to be happy and secure and this move just before Christmas is going to go a long way toward that. My two beautiful girls are getting to have roots. Oh my goodness I am going to have roots! And be able to go and drink purple with my best friend! I could dance. 

Anyway, Madeleine and Sophie are doing brilliantly right now. Maddie has cut most of her molars (my God those were some hard nights!) and has an obsession with shoes of all kind. Sophie is her happy, polite and cheerful self and has seen our new house even before me. She was more enamoured with the HUGE park and duck pond a ten minute walk away than she was the house itself haha. She is very excited about sharing a room with Maddie for a few years and is especially excited about Christmas. 

I have come to the realisation that my kids are going to have BIG Christmases every year. We haven’t bought more than we planned but outside us they have NINE people who have bought presents for them!! Lucky lucky girls. I still have a moral tug of war in my head about them being too spoilt. However it’s christmas and they don’t get presents through the year. My mum will laugh reading this because she knows my husband has won this time which is a total rarity lol. 

Happy Thursday, readers. 

X x x 

With Every Day, I Am Almost Me

Motherhood is like being beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas. Well, that’s what it’s like for me…possibly because on a daily basis I AM beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas I created. Convert sticks to toys/books/various play dough cut offs and there you go, my day in a nutshell. I’ve been a mother for four years next month (starting from Sophie’s conception!) and it has left me feeling bruised so far. Bruised with worry, with exhaustion, with sheer boredom some days. But do you know what… Bruises heal. Time marches on and those bruised feelings go away and instead you get pride, love and happiness. Of course, those things have always been there, stamped through me like a stick of rock. Some days however, those happy feelings get dulled down among the bruises and I have finally got to a point where I feel like that’s okay! With Madeleine now 14.5m and Sophie now 3, the happy feelings are shining through more and more. Think neon lights and you may come close to what I am talking about. 

Every day, every single day, I am almost me again. I am not just a mother, or a wife. I am not just someone who cleans the house, the babies, the husband… I am me again. I am sleeping better than ever. I am laughing and dancing and dare I say, just shy of a five stone weight loss & so close to being healthy, which is something I haven’t been for almost 10 years. I am about to have a social life again, I am wearing clothes that make me feel like a woman and not just ‘mum’. 

Every day, I am me again. I get the pieces back that I sacrificed for my children and their happiness. I love being with them every day. I marvel at Sophie’s intelligence and speech and all round amazing imagination. I marvel at Madeleine’s ability to melt me with a cuddle round the knees because that’s the only part of me she can reach when stood up. I used to wake up and pray for bed time because I was too tired to appreciate my daughters. Waking up and dreading the day ahead used to make me feel so guilty and so depressed and so… Empty. 

Now life is different. Instead of fighting how I feel, I embrace it. No matter what. If Maddie throws her dinner around and points to the freezer asking for ice cream, it doesn’t exasperate me. It makes me laugh that at 14.5m old she can do that already. Instead of impatience creeping in I feel calm. 

It’s like waking up after a very very long time asleep and wading through piles of shit. And my goodness, waking up is so much better than being asleep. 

Every single day… I get me back… 

And I love it. 

I Am Not Sorry

Dear Sophie & Madeleine  
What a day. What a bloody day. It’s September 2015 and I have just spent the last hour cleaning and scrubbing and washing after the dinner the pair of you didn’t eat. Boy is that frustrating. I spent a good hour preparing and cooking a meal that Sophie, you merely picked at and Madeleine… Well honey, all you do these days is point to the freezer and say ‘eye com’ (ice cream) because your darling daddy taught you that’s where pudding comes from. You then cried every time we said no it was dinner first. 

Of course, neither of you had dessert today. So I was upset; I’d made food you didn’t eat. You guys didn’t worry about not finishing dinner, all you wanted to do was go and play with your toys. 

Leaving the table, we then went back into the living room. Following Sophie’s lead Maddie, you immediately climbed onto the couch. You already know that isn’t allowed, even at the tender age of 13.5months old. You turned and shrieked and smiled because your favourite game is to climb up and have one of us put you back to the floor. Sophie also knows this isn’t allowed but my darling, although you are three, you also understand that wherever you go your sister follows. 

Maddie, I realise that you see the pigeons on the rooftops opposite and like to point and scream at them. I also realise that you think climbing is fun and exciting and WOW A MOUNTAIN to conquer. I know this but I have spent days if not weeks firmly removing you off the couch and back to the boring floor and I will continue to do so. 

One day, there will come a time you will be the person worried that food isn’t eaten. You will tear your hair out wondering if you’re doing the right thing by refusing to cook a whole new meal/toast/give dessert. You will worry yourself mad that it is the right thing to let your kids go to bed without because they refused to eat a meal that they’ve loved to munch on a hundred times. I question myself daily. 

The only reason I won’t make other meals is based off experience with you, Sophie. You used to fight and fight to not eat anything except bread or sweet foods like biscuits. It took a while to work out that you were purposely not eating because you knew we would give in. So we stopped giving in and because you didn’t like being hungry you now eat your meals 95% of the time. Except today. So I got upset and I am not sorry for that. I am not sorry for worrying about you. I am not sorry that I spent time making you a delicious meal, even if you refuse it. 

One day, you will watch your precious darlings climbing onto the couch without fear. Sometimes you climb onto the BACK of the couch to see out of the window. You will feel the same worry that I do that you will fall. Yes I am paranoid and neurotic. Yes, I am probably far too overprotective. But Sophie, you were nine months old when you decided to crawl right off the edge of the couch and land on your head. Maddie, you have tumbled down a flight of steps and that has you wrapped in cotton wool for life, young lady. That couch may be a mountain for you, it may be the Everest of mountains where the view is unlimited pigeons and people to shout and shriek at. 

I am not sorry. I am not sorry that I prefer to have you on the floor where you can’t fall from a height. I am not sorry when you cry out annoyed that I’ve ruined your adventure. I’m really not sorry that I prefer you to have floor adventures. I can’t encourage couch mountains because when I inevitably have to leave the room to pee, that’ll be the first thing you do and all I will hear is a thud. It’s very undignified to run into the living room with jeans round my ankles, you know. I’ve been there. I know. 

I am currently listening to the sounds of Sophie snoring and my tiny terror (that’s you Maddie) shrieking in the cot. And I am not sorry that you’re winding down in there. Today has been one hell of a day and I am not sorry that you both are exhausted from all the games we played and songs we sang and the crawling game. You won’t remember the crawling game when you come to read this. We crawl scaring you as you crawl up and down the room and you rocket off laughing madly, it’s brilliant fun.

So that’s it. It’s the end of the day and I am frustrated and relieved and I am not sorry. You both mean the world to me. We can have other adventures. 

Just not on the couch. 
Love you, Mummy. X

Just an update 

A whole year since Madeleine came zooming into our lives (literally, this little sucker took 90mins lol)  
Lots of things have changed since she was born. People I considered friends have left us behind, other people have graced our lives with their amazing presence. People and things change and that’s the only constant in life; change. And I like change. I never used to but Dyou know what, change is something that I now embrace. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have lost over 4stone so far (and two to go!). I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I do right now. I wouldn’t have the guts to move us another 150miles to be able to support Husband at school. But we do these things, we change, for the good. For the better. 

  
Madeleine is due to be christened next week and I am very excited. We are hosting a party afterward and we are so happy that we’ve chosen reliable godparents for her. Madeleine is just amazing. She is this little ball of sunshine and always smiling. She’s learned to climb – not so nice for me. The couches are her favourite and she gets so excited about getting into them! As she has eight teeth we’ve started brushing them. I say brushing; I mean Maddie snatches the toothbrush and chews it to death while we wrestle it round her mouth lol. 

  
Sophie has just turned 3 and she honestly just blows me away. Her memory of things and people and her ability to recall things from over a year ago astound me daily. She’s very cheeky (in a good way!) and very confident and I really hope this stays. I try to encourage her everyday to be happy and smiley and she’s very good with madeleine now. You’d never know she didn’t want her around at first! Sophie goes into her next nursery class in three weeks and is so excited to be getting to go back. 

  
There’s a lot more in the pipeline but again I can’t divulge as yet. You know that thing where if you say something good is happening and then it doesn’t and it jinxes the shit out of it? That. The law of sod shall not win!
Ciao!

Change

A lot of things change when you have a child. Opinions on issues you thought you knew about, how tidy your house usually is, and unfortunately – friendships.

The biggest change? Ourselves. When you have children you change. You never think you will, you try your damned best to stay the person you were, but you change anyway. And to be honest, why wouldn’t you? We go from who we think we are to someone so much stronger and braver than we imagined.

We develop a strength that comes from lack of sleep and a huge shock to the system that comes with the presence of a child in your life. We evolve from carefree cub to fierce lioness. It’s part of the parcel. No one goes through the trial of childbirth and comes out weaker; we come out strong and feeling invincible that we survived such an experience. We come through and even though some of us descend into depression, or feel overwhelmed and daunted by the biggest responsibility we shall ever have, we are still stronger than any previous moment in our lives.

As this change happens, we find a voice we didn’t know we have. One that speaks for the baby who can’t speak for itself. One that stands up for ourselves, especially where previously we didn’t speak for ourselves. But we change.

I have made new friends since being a mum. Drawn together by the same experiences with pregnancy and childbirth and then raising children, we all meet new people and friends we had before children drift away sometimes. It’s natural when our paths in life divide – some of us have children and others don’t so the things you had in common before children (BC) fall by the wayside. You can’t go out at the drop of a hat, you can’t just go and be a person; not without consideration for the kids. You truly discover your real friends when you become a mother and I am proud of the fact I have two women in my life who I can honestly say I wouldn’t be without. They know who they are so I won’t name them, but without them I would be a bit lost! There have been some very dark days since being a mum but it is these women who have never left me to sink. That right there, that is friendship.

One thing that has changed about me personally is that I refuse to be walked over. Not by anyone, anymore. I’m a loyal person even when my judgement tells me not to be, I go against it and rather see the best of someone than give up. My husband says this is my most frustratingly wonderful quality haha. I’ve recently parted ways with who I thought was a very close friend and for the life of me I still don’t truly understand why. The gist of it seems to be that I had other friends. Absurd and baffling, I refuse to wallow in any sadness. While I can’t understand how others process, I can forgive shitty behaviour and move on from that experience, purely because life is just too fucking short to worry about someone else if they haven’t the time of day for me. I am a grown woman, not a child in the playground.

We are 7 months into 2015 and I have worked so hard to transform myself personally and mentally. I started this year in a fog of exhaustion and tears and frustration, fat and sorry for myself. The better I did, the less I saw or heard from my friend. But that’s okay you know, it’s okay. I’m a stronger person for it. I’m better as a person, knowing who my real friends are and that’s why 2015 is turning out so well.

Madeleine is going to be one next month, and Sophie is going to be three. We are giving Madeleine an amazing christening day followed by a birthday party for both girls, and our closest friends and family are coming. It’s going to be a fantastic party and I cannot wait to see the excitement on my daughters’ faces when all the people who love them are in the same place. This is what counts. The happiness of my children, my husband and myself and how we can give that back to those who love us, is what matters.

And no one will stand in the way of that

Six Months

We are now six months into what is turning into a fantastic 2015 (fingers crossed, touching wood and horseshoes and all that). I’ll give you a bullet pointed run down of why this year is so nice so far:

– We have had a family holiday.

Yes, it was Great Yarmouth and yes it was only four nights, but we had family time together as a foursome. Madeleine’s first holiday and she loved it. Sophie can’t stop chattering about it and despite the fact the sea caught her and made her wellies wet, she keeps asking to go and build more sand castles.

– Madeleine no longer keeps me awake for days on end.

Self explanatory, cheers and champagne all round for this one!

– We have a collective four weekends away happening before the end of the year.

My niece made her first Holy Communion in May, we are soon to be heading to Amy nephews christening when that’s booked, I have a hen do in August and we are visiting Middlesbrough in October.

– Nursery.

Sophie is thriving at nursery. She is doing so well there and with her being toilet trained day and night already life is so much simpler. Nursery gives me valuable one on one time with Madeleine as well as has brought Sophie and I closer together because we aren’t 24/7 in each other’s company. Which to be honest, sounds awful, but being human and all I like to hear about my daughters time away and I love her running at me excitedly to tell me of her adventures as a Beautiful Butterfly (the name of her room lol)

– Me.

I started this year with a goal of “me”. Self indulgent and selfish as that is, I’ve given my body and brain to other people since getting pregnant with Sophie. I’ve either been working, studying or pushing out a baby from 2011-2014 so I decided to take 2015 for me. Shamefully, I began my year weighing a hefty 16stone 12, or 236lbs. Reading that back, all I can think is YIKES. After the smear test before Christmas, I was essentially frightened into doing something about my health. We’ve all had those resolutions before haven’t we, lose weight yada yada. For me? It wasn’t a choice. I had allowed myself to become morbidly obese and stupidly unhealthy. I was on the road to healthy back in 2013 but life got in the way and I slipped up majorly.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t just lose weight. I vowed that I would be more patient, more aware of my surroundings and get out of the house. I didn’t ever want to go out. Combine the new baby and the toddler and the general embarrassment of myself in public, and you had a classic hermit situation. I think I’ve actually shocked myself if I’m honest. I didn’t expect to want to stick with it and do well. I took up the 5:2 way of life, please google this if you don’t know what it is, and I surrounded myself with supportive people and those I could moan and groan to when I needed it.

As it stands, I wanted to lose 6stone 12 to get me to 149lbs (10st) and I gave myself 2015 to do it in. I’m currently writing a diary blog aside from this which is yet unpublished with photos and progress and meals etc but I will not publish that until o reach that goal. Today, I weigh 3stone 7 less than I did. I’ve taken half a year to lose half what I wanted to lose. And I am fucking proud of myself. I am no longer classed as morbidly obese, I am now “overweight”. That in itself is a huge achievement for me. I haven’t been such a small weight for almost seven years. Since I was 20 years old. How lazy and how selfish of me to treat my body that way!? I see the fact I only now have 47lb to lose, and I am chasing that finish line.

Once I do, I will link my diary blog complete with horrifying start photos and progress photos and I will shout and brag from the rooftops. I have binned my fat clothes as I’ve lost weight purely so I have no excuse. I am accountable for every action and I log everything on Instagram and myfitnesspal for that reason.

So. This year is pretty great. There are some other things I want to say but I can’t just yet, I can’t jinx things that are ahead for us.

It’s about time we had some happiness ahead. And thank you so much to those of you who are cheering us on – you know who you are and how much I love you.

Until next time x x

Family Life

Family life is busy

Family life is fun

Family life is hard

 

These three sentences are those I repeat to myself at various points of the day. Some days I want to cry with how difficult things can be,  some days I can’t stop grinning. Either way, it’s busy. Busy like I haven’t ever imagined.

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We are almost halfway into the year and I need to blink faster to catch up. We’ve just come off our first ever family holiday as a foursome and I really wish we were still on holiday. We had a huge amount of fun and both Sophie and Madeleine didn’t stop smiling. Madeleine didn’t appreciate the swimming pool at all, but she did really enjoy cruising round a much smaller space than the living room at home. Ah yes, she is cruising now. At 9.5m old, she is cruising, crawling and has four teeth. We have heard lots of “Dada” and “bwah bwah” but as yet, no “Mama”.

Sophie is now attending nursery five mornings a week and is fully potty trained both day and night. Almost three, she is wildly independent and her speech is off the charts. She can sing the ABCs, baa baa black sheep, twinkle twinkle little star and the Incy wincy spider all the way through.

Initially I felt such guilt for her going to nursery but it’s the stimulation and social interaction she really needed and has thrived as a result. I am very proud of how far she has come. She knows all our names (first and surname) and I am currently teaching her our address. Sophie is so smart, so polite and so beautiful I pinch myself that I get to be her mummy.

Finally Madeleine and Sophie have become friends and now they cannot be away from each other. Madeleine loves to drape herself all over Sophie and lie across her laughing and Sophie always finds this hilarious.

I’m very excited for their birthdays coming up in two months time, and for everything the next few months holds. There’s a few exciting things happening but I won’t update on those just yet 🙂