A Kiss Goodnight

I’ve just been in to kiss my daughters and rearrange them in their beds, as I do every night. I’ve just smoothed their blankets and moved lost teddies closer to them, as I do every night. I’ve just stroked their heads and listened to them gently snore, as I do every night. 

Tonight was different. Not in routine; never in routine… But it was different. Somewhere out there a mother or a father in Syria have done just this. Among the war and discord in their country, they’ve gazed at their children and smoothed their hair and taken a breath in awe at the life they created. A life that, for all intents and purposes, the U.K. is about to help rip apart. 

Isis, or Daesh as they don’t wish to be known, are cowards. Cowards to hide behind civilians, innocent men, women and children. Cowards to use those innocent people as collateral damage, knowing the bombs and guns and war about to descend on them will cause death and destruction that Syrian people have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with. 

But hey, what’s a few more lives right? A few more dead if it means we can just get to ISIS. If we can just kill people to show them that killing people is bad. To teach them that they are getting to us. You know, there’s a much faster way to stop ISIS. Faster and with less death. Less collateral damage. 

Stop funding them. Stop providing them with weapons. Stop providing them with training. Stop paying them to bomb us and provoke war and fear and help the governments commit controlled mass murder. But they won’t. They want the world fearful. They want the world at war with each other and now, now the UK are getting their bombs ready to rush in and join yet another fight that is nothing to do with us. Another fight that will drag on for years and destroy families and futures. And for what? Oil? Money? Power? 

There are mothers out there who imagines castles in the sky for her children. There are mothers out there kissing their babies goodnight and marvelling at their innocence. 

There are mothers out there just like me, who have no idea how their lives are about to change. 

And I wish it would just stop. 

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A Little Thanks

Three years ago today I decided to write a blog. Here we are, three years later and still going strong! Thousands of views a week, loads of lovely feedback and I am grateful to still be writing my absolute rubbish thoughts lol. Sophie was the original dummysucker and Maddie has followed on since she was born. It’s been a whirlwind three years and there is so much more to come. Thanks for being with me on this ride!
Happy Birthday DummySucker! 

It’s A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World

The world has officially gone bat shit crazy. Bombs and wars and terrorist attacks and planes shot down and magic indestructible passports consistently found on masked men screaming about ISIS. Incidentally, why blow someone up with a mask on and then carry a passport? <– Nope. Doesn’t happen. Placement, people. Placement. 

The world has gone bat shit crazy. Blame and finger pointing and people screaming about religion being a problem and innocent people being persecuted for their beliefs. People bombing people in the so called ‘name of God’. I believe in God but I refuse to believe that God screams for blood. 

Every religion has its extremists, whether they’re killing in the name of their God or trying to follow the old ways of a book written by men a thousand years ago in an old world, extremists exist. Muslim, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist (Yep even Buddhism. In the 1970s. Google it!)

There was a whole other era where people were persecuted for their beliefs. The nazis behaved that way. An important term to mention here is ‘scapegoat’. Hitler and the Nazis said the Jews were responsible for huge events like losing World War One and the economic crisis. This was totally untrue. But by giving the Jews the blame Hitler created an enemy. Hitler said that all Germany’s problems had been caused by the Jews. Many people believed him. Now replace all those words with Muslims and ISIS and the world governments. The human race just doesn’t fucking learn. 

The same is happening again. The powers that be in charge of us all (government and money creators) have us exactly where they want us. The saying goes divide and conquer. Well, the world is divided and we are being conquered. How can people not wake the heck up and see this?? Oil, land, bloody popcorn…whatever the goal, the way to get there is to group us into neat little piles based on colour/creed/sexuality (take your pick!) and have us fight among ourselves. You won’t find leaders picking up weapons and wading into a fight. You won’t find David Cameron or Barack Obama wading in to fight for whatever the fuck it is they want. They’ll drop bombs and send nukes, stirring the world up into a frenzy and send our military to do the dirty work.

Blow up trade centres as an excuse to go and invade a country for their oil, and the world turns on Muslims. Do some research. Apparently the passports of the plane hijackers who crashed into the towers on 9/11 all survived. So hundreds of computers, printers, desks, fucking steel beams didn’t survive a plane crash – hell not even the PLANES survived the crash – but flimsy little paper passports did. Oh wait, maybe it’s because they were laminated. Eye roll. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is our scapegoat. Every few years a group crops up bombing the shit out of others; IRA, Al Qaeda, ISIS. No matter what we do, they will always pop up. Why? Funding. Lords of War who give weapons and training and money to these people so they can bomb others. Large governments (USA, UK etc) fund shit like this. It’s all strategy for their own gain and as silly as this is I am going to quote Shrek:

“Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make”

Lord Farquad said this. And it is so close and so true to what our own governments are doing that it’s scary. 

Instead of being divided and conquered by religion or race we should instead be banding together as humans against those determined for us to kill each other. Controlled mass murder should not be happening in our lifetime. Terrorism does not have a religion. Terrorism cannot even be pinned to one race (IRA were white, remember?). 

The Four Horsemen certainly are doing their jobs recently and it’s innocent people in the crossfire. 

The world has gone bat shit crazy. And I brought children into it. 

Transition

Last January I made two resolutions. The first was not to get pregnant and the second was not to move house. 

I have busted one of those resolutions. Before you start screeching, no I am not pregnant. No babies reside in my womb so let’s not go there!

We were due to move house in January, therefore not breaking my new year promise to stay put and not pack up and move anywhere. The trouble is I didn’t factor in the perfect little house coming up on the private rental market, meaning no agency fees to pay out for! This means our house move is taking place before Christmas, in three weeks. 
Three. Weeks.

Not only will I be packing and cleaning an entire house with two small ones around (husband on the night shift!) I have also managed to coordinate a mover, the bills being moved and everyone who has needed a months notice has been given it. 

I am excited. We have moved a lot in the last couple of years and we’ve had warnings about disrupting the kids. But do you know what? We’ve moved to BENEFIT them. We moved without choice sometimes, like when the landlord of our lovely house down south wanted his house back. Or the six flights of steps with a heavy buggy in a block of flats. Then moving 150miles away for a better opportunity and life. 

There’s going to be a day we don’t have the kids around anymore as they’ll have grown up and moved out and that day won’t be too far ahead. So we have to make sure we are okay too. This move HAS to be a final one purely because of schools. Simon going to school and Sophie entering reception year means we need stability and security and doing that as cheaply as possible haha. 

There’s the added bonus that I will be moving closer to Amy & Gina. I will actually be able to have a social life and friends close by! And a garden for BBQs! And nearby shops! 
I have come to a point that transition is a good thing and I don’t care for the opinions of others on the matter. I just want my little family to be happy and secure and this move just before Christmas is going to go a long way toward that. My two beautiful girls are getting to have roots. Oh my goodness I am going to have roots! And be able to go and drink purple with my best friend! I could dance. 

Anyway, Madeleine and Sophie are doing brilliantly right now. Maddie has cut most of her molars (my God those were some hard nights!) and has an obsession with shoes of all kind. Sophie is her happy, polite and cheerful self and has seen our new house even before me. She was more enamoured with the HUGE park and duck pond a ten minute walk away than she was the house itself haha. She is very excited about sharing a room with Maddie for a few years and is especially excited about Christmas. 

I have come to the realisation that my kids are going to have BIG Christmases every year. We haven’t bought more than we planned but outside us they have NINE people who have bought presents for them!! Lucky lucky girls. I still have a moral tug of war in my head about them being too spoilt. However it’s christmas and they don’t get presents through the year. My mum will laugh reading this because she knows my husband has won this time which is a total rarity lol. 

Happy Thursday, readers. 

X x x 

With Every Day, I Am Almost Me

Motherhood is like being beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas. Well, that’s what it’s like for me…possibly because on a daily basis I AM beaten with sticks by tiny ninjas I created. Convert sticks to toys/books/various play dough cut offs and there you go, my day in a nutshell. I’ve been a mother for four years next month (starting from Sophie’s conception!) and it has left me feeling bruised so far. Bruised with worry, with exhaustion, with sheer boredom some days. But do you know what… Bruises heal. Time marches on and those bruised feelings go away and instead you get pride, love and happiness. Of course, those things have always been there, stamped through me like a stick of rock. Some days however, those happy feelings get dulled down among the bruises and I have finally got to a point where I feel like that’s okay! With Madeleine now 14.5m and Sophie now 3, the happy feelings are shining through more and more. Think neon lights and you may come close to what I am talking about. 

Every day, every single day, I am almost me again. I am not just a mother, or a wife. I am not just someone who cleans the house, the babies, the husband… I am me again. I am sleeping better than ever. I am laughing and dancing and dare I say, just shy of a five stone weight loss & so close to being healthy, which is something I haven’t been for almost 10 years. I am about to have a social life again, I am wearing clothes that make me feel like a woman and not just ‘mum’. 

Every day, I am me again. I get the pieces back that I sacrificed for my children and their happiness. I love being with them every day. I marvel at Sophie’s intelligence and speech and all round amazing imagination. I marvel at Madeleine’s ability to melt me with a cuddle round the knees because that’s the only part of me she can reach when stood up. I used to wake up and pray for bed time because I was too tired to appreciate my daughters. Waking up and dreading the day ahead used to make me feel so guilty and so depressed and so… Empty. 

Now life is different. Instead of fighting how I feel, I embrace it. No matter what. If Maddie throws her dinner around and points to the freezer asking for ice cream, it doesn’t exasperate me. It makes me laugh that at 14.5m old she can do that already. Instead of impatience creeping in I feel calm. 

It’s like waking up after a very very long time asleep and wading through piles of shit. And my goodness, waking up is so much better than being asleep. 

Every single day… I get me back… 

And I love it. 

I Am Not Sorry

Dear Sophie & Madeleine  
What a day. What a bloody day. It’s September 2015 and I have just spent the last hour cleaning and scrubbing and washing after the dinner the pair of you didn’t eat. Boy is that frustrating. I spent a good hour preparing and cooking a meal that Sophie, you merely picked at and Madeleine… Well honey, all you do these days is point to the freezer and say ‘eye com’ (ice cream) because your darling daddy taught you that’s where pudding comes from. You then cried every time we said no it was dinner first. 

Of course, neither of you had dessert today. So I was upset; I’d made food you didn’t eat. You guys didn’t worry about not finishing dinner, all you wanted to do was go and play with your toys. 

Leaving the table, we then went back into the living room. Following Sophie’s lead Maddie, you immediately climbed onto the couch. You already know that isn’t allowed, even at the tender age of 13.5months old. You turned and shrieked and smiled because your favourite game is to climb up and have one of us put you back to the floor. Sophie also knows this isn’t allowed but my darling, although you are three, you also understand that wherever you go your sister follows. 

Maddie, I realise that you see the pigeons on the rooftops opposite and like to point and scream at them. I also realise that you think climbing is fun and exciting and WOW A MOUNTAIN to conquer. I know this but I have spent days if not weeks firmly removing you off the couch and back to the boring floor and I will continue to do so. 

One day, there will come a time you will be the person worried that food isn’t eaten. You will tear your hair out wondering if you’re doing the right thing by refusing to cook a whole new meal/toast/give dessert. You will worry yourself mad that it is the right thing to let your kids go to bed without because they refused to eat a meal that they’ve loved to munch on a hundred times. I question myself daily. 

The only reason I won’t make other meals is based off experience with you, Sophie. You used to fight and fight to not eat anything except bread or sweet foods like biscuits. It took a while to work out that you were purposely not eating because you knew we would give in. So we stopped giving in and because you didn’t like being hungry you now eat your meals 95% of the time. Except today. So I got upset and I am not sorry for that. I am not sorry for worrying about you. I am not sorry that I spent time making you a delicious meal, even if you refuse it. 

One day, you will watch your precious darlings climbing onto the couch without fear. Sometimes you climb onto the BACK of the couch to see out of the window. You will feel the same worry that I do that you will fall. Yes I am paranoid and neurotic. Yes, I am probably far too overprotective. But Sophie, you were nine months old when you decided to crawl right off the edge of the couch and land on your head. Maddie, you have tumbled down a flight of steps and that has you wrapped in cotton wool for life, young lady. That couch may be a mountain for you, it may be the Everest of mountains where the view is unlimited pigeons and people to shout and shriek at. 

I am not sorry. I am not sorry that I prefer to have you on the floor where you can’t fall from a height. I am not sorry when you cry out annoyed that I’ve ruined your adventure. I’m really not sorry that I prefer you to have floor adventures. I can’t encourage couch mountains because when I inevitably have to leave the room to pee, that’ll be the first thing you do and all I will hear is a thud. It’s very undignified to run into the living room with jeans round my ankles, you know. I’ve been there. I know. 

I am currently listening to the sounds of Sophie snoring and my tiny terror (that’s you Maddie) shrieking in the cot. And I am not sorry that you’re winding down in there. Today has been one hell of a day and I am not sorry that you both are exhausted from all the games we played and songs we sang and the crawling game. You won’t remember the crawling game when you come to read this. We crawl scaring you as you crawl up and down the room and you rocket off laughing madly, it’s brilliant fun.

So that’s it. It’s the end of the day and I am frustrated and relieved and I am not sorry. You both mean the world to me. We can have other adventures. 

Just not on the couch. 
Love you, Mummy. X

Just an update 

A whole year since Madeleine came zooming into our lives (literally, this little sucker took 90mins lol)  
Lots of things have changed since she was born. People I considered friends have left us behind, other people have graced our lives with their amazing presence. People and things change and that’s the only constant in life; change. And I like change. I never used to but Dyou know what, change is something that I now embrace. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have lost over 4stone so far (and two to go!). I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I do right now. I wouldn’t have the guts to move us another 150miles to be able to support Husband at school. But we do these things, we change, for the good. For the better. 

  
Madeleine is due to be christened next week and I am very excited. We are hosting a party afterward and we are so happy that we’ve chosen reliable godparents for her. Madeleine is just amazing. She is this little ball of sunshine and always smiling. She’s learned to climb – not so nice for me. The couches are her favourite and she gets so excited about getting into them! As she has eight teeth we’ve started brushing them. I say brushing; I mean Maddie snatches the toothbrush and chews it to death while we wrestle it round her mouth lol. 

  
Sophie has just turned 3 and she honestly just blows me away. Her memory of things and people and her ability to recall things from over a year ago astound me daily. She’s very cheeky (in a good way!) and very confident and I really hope this stays. I try to encourage her everyday to be happy and smiley and she’s very good with madeleine now. You’d never know she didn’t want her around at first! Sophie goes into her next nursery class in three weeks and is so excited to be getting to go back. 

  
There’s a lot more in the pipeline but again I can’t divulge as yet. You know that thing where if you say something good is happening and then it doesn’t and it jinxes the shit out of it? That. The law of sod shall not win!
Ciao!